During the course of my spiritual search I had a hard time fully "surrendering" to any person or any thing, be it a guru or God. I was always willing to listen and learn from various spiritual traditions and teachers. However, when it came to allowing my spiritual autonomy to be compromised, I ultimately resisted.

     Maybe this happened because I am a Westerner. Maybe it was because my spirituality was one of the few areas of my life where I felt I was my own person and could make sound decisions. In any case, I'm glad that I escaped the traps of being too malleable to the whims of a guru or to an unquestioning faith in a religion.

     "Surrender" is supposed to bring great spiritual benefits, in some religious views. It means you'll develop yourself more quickly by surrendering to a guru's guidance or to the magisterium of your chosen religion. But I think that it's better to have a dynamic give and take with any spiritual authority. It's not healthy for you if the guru or religious tradition demands that you take their word for everything. You need to be able to ask honest questions and expect honest answers. You need to be respected as a fellow human being. If you aren't allowed to question, and get insipid and unsatisfying answers or outright hostility or gaslighting, it's time to look elsewhere.

     One of my teachers told me that he "would cut my head off" if I became a devotee. (He meant to get rid of my ego.) But I found myself actually angered by this, and emphatically said, "No, you will not." I was not about to bow the knee to someone who would, even symbolically, talk to me like that. I needed to be the one who took care of my own problematical ego.